An extensive survey in the Netherlands revealed that 99% of Dutch people angrily using the term ‘woke’ have no clue what it actually means. Below I’ve published some of the answers from the survey respondents. (Translated from Dutch)

Liselotte F, Utrecht

“Because of woke, we’re no longer allowed to call Black Friday Black Friday. Well, I still call it Black Friday. I don’t care about being woke.”

Interviewer

“You still call it Black Friday, as well as Amazon, Bol.com, Cool Blue, The Hema, De Bijenkorf. In fact, EVERYONE still calls it Black Friday.”

Liselotte F, Utrecht

“You see, you’re just representative of the mainstream media. You’re twisting the facts to suit your narrative. As I said, I’ll still call it Black Friday; go woke, go broke snowflake!

Henk B, Staphorst

“I hate woke! Because Rutte and those traitors in parliament in the Hague are so woke, Zwarte Piet can’t be black anymore. As the old song says, ‘black is black’. Woke means that black can’t be black unless it’s actually black. Being black is ok, but not if you’re black from the chimney, which is racism.”

Hannelore van Strakke Jurk

“After having seduced a man twenty years younger and carried him back to my apartment for a night of anaerobic, excessively loud neuken in de keuken, I was shocked when I asked him to talk dirty to me and call me names, but he refused and said, “I respect women too much to do that”. I shouted, “just my luck, that bar was full of hot young men with hair full of gel, and I have to pick a woke one. You can get out of my apartment and never come back once I’ve finished with you in the morning.”

Thierry de Hoogopgeleid

“‘As an intellectual pure-blooded Nederlander, when confronted with woke actions, policies and behaviour, I am reminded of the words of Julius Caesar. “Infamy, infamy, they all have it in for me.

Woke represents all the things I despise. BLM, racial and gender equality, uncontrolled immigration, hot pants, interracial marriage, gay marriage, pronouns, and being unable to use the term neger to describe black people. We are also not allowed to call Indonesians pindas and call Eastern Europeans gypsies or alcoholics. Freedom of speech, democracy and the right to be offensive to marginalised groups are all under threat due to wokism!”

Jeroen Bruinschoenen

“In the Netherlands, there was a very popular chocolate sweets brand called Negerkuss. They were delicious marshmallows covered in brown chocolate. Even though all of my friends are white, I can promise you that not a single black person was offended by negerkuss. But then Nederland became woke, and they changed its name. Well, my friends and I refuse to be woke and still call it negerkuss as long as no non-white people are around.

In fact, my ex-wife was in a shop and asked for a negerkuss. A black man came up and kissed her; after that, she never went back and now lives with him.”

via GIPHY

The actual meaning of woke

woke

adjective

UK  /wəʊk/ US  /woʊk/

aware, especially of social problems such as racism and inequality:

She urged young black people to stay woke.

disapproving He said that many of these so-called woke individuals never actually engage with the marginalized groups they claim to defend. More examples(Definition of woke from the Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary & Thesaurus © Cambridge University Press)

No freedom of speech warriors were hurt during the writing of this post.

The Shallow Man provides Femke Halsema, Mayor of Amsterdam, with some much-needed advice on how to reduce tourism in Amsterdam

Five ways to reduce tourism in Amsterdam

Dear Femke,

As the good people of the Netherlands allow me to vote in your local elections, I feel that I have the right to provide you with some direct and unsolicited advice. (How Dutch of me 😉 )

It’s very clear that you have an incredibly provinciaal mindset. Goed zo meid! You appear determined to turn Amsterdam into some dull as-dishwater village in het platteland. Well, here are five ways to do that easily. No need to thank me.

1. Restrict Access To Coffeshops to Dutch Speakers only

Of course, you’ve already partially suggested this, and I wholeheartedly agree. If tourists realise that they won’t be able to buy weed legally in coffee shops, that will stop them from visiting Amsterdam. Absolutely! They definitely won’t come here and buy drugs from entrepreneurial young men in tracksuits and hoodies hanging around the streets of Amsterdam with their lovely well-trained pit bulls saying, “pssst, pssst, you want to buy some coke?”.

It’s a good start. However, you’re not being ambitious enough. What about all the kut expats who only choose to live in Amsterdam to have access to ganja seven days a week? I have the solution. After showing their IDs, they’ll need to pronounce the following four phrases in perfect Dutch.

• schreeuwen
• onafhankelijk
• bestuursrechtspraak
• glijmiddel

Obviously, most will fail and will probably rot op back to their own kut countries pretty damn quickly.

2. Set KPIs for usage time in the Red Light District

It’s well-known that many tourists partaking in the services on offer in the red light district don’t last longer than three minutes. Set a minimum performance target of 25 minutes for the horizontal samba. Also, increase the prices accordingly.

3. Relocate the Red Light District

It has been suggested to move the red light areas in Amsterdam to Purmerend, Hoofddorp or Tilburg. Indeed, they’re all soul-destroying, desolate places, but I have an even better idea. Move the red light district but don’t publicise where. Turn it into a kind of treasure hunt. Let the tourists walk this flat (but beautiful) city aimlessly, looking for somewhere to dip their wicks. Word will quickly spread online that Amsterdam has prostitution, but it’s so well hidden that all you’ll leave with are blue balls.

4. Ban tourists from using E-bikes

I was appalled to see that it’s now possible for tourists to rent E-bikes. Let them use old-fashioned pushbikes to get around. The terror of being overtaken at high speed by anti-social types on fat bikes and Van Moofs should put them off visiting Amsterdam again.

5. Forbid Tourists From Staying in Airbnb/Booking.com rentals and Hostels

Let the tourists experience the expensive reality of life in Amsterdam. Have them stay in a hotel instead of an Airbnb rental and be milked like dairy cows connected to an industrial milking machine.

By banning tourists from staying in hostels, the “let’s go to Amsterdam for our stag night/hen night weekend, smoke vast amounts of weed, drink, puke, shag hookers and walk around half naked in the middle of winter” class of tourists will avoid this city like a Dutch woman avoids a stylist.

Femke, if you implement my suggestions, Amsterdam will be tourist free. The locals will be happy and you’ll be reelected. Where do I send the invoice?

No straat dealers with pit bulls were hurt during the writing of this post.

Congratulations to Dutch drummer and member of the rock group Krezip, who will join U2 as their temporary drummer for their US tour. Larry Mullen, U2’s drummer, will undergo an operation and need time to recover, so Bram Van den Berg will take his place.

Van den Berg has been plucked from the relative obscurity of the Dutch rock music scene to play with one of the most famous bands in the world. Like many people worldwide, my initial reactions to this news were, “Bram van who?, How? Kre what?”

A cynic might say that as U2 have their business registered in Amsterdam to reduce their tax liabilities, perhaps they spend enough time in the Netherlands to be acquainted with the rock music scene here. However they found him, it’s great news for Van den Berg. Goed zo jongen!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Bram van den Berg (@bramjozefvandenberg)

The city council of Amsterdam has announced a “stay away” advertising campaign that will run in the UK to discourage British men from visiting.

Speaking as a Brit that has lived in Amsterdam for almost twenty years, I feel that I’m suitably qualified to advise my countrymen on why they should definitely stay away from Amsterdam!

1. They Speak Dutch here

Believe it or not, Amsterdam is full of people who speak……………Dutch! There was a time when the locals were happy to patronise English speakers with their self-perceived flawless grasp of the English language. Indeed, it wasn’t uncommon for Dutch people to correct the English of native speakers. Unfortunately, there has been a backlash against all the shops and cafes where the staff don’t speak Dutch. This has led to lots of Dutch people refusing to engage in English even if they believe that they can speak it better than wot you do innit?

So unless you’re prepared to learn some Nederlands (Dutch) prior to coming here for your stag/shag/wacky baccy weekend, doe het niet!!!!

2. The Netherlands is where cuisine goes to die

Another reason British people should stay away from Amsterdam is the food! Gadverdamme! Yes, you’re coming from the land of mushy peas and chips and deep-fried Mars bars. However, no matter how many cravings you get for food following the consumption of coffee shop organic products, be aware of some of the food that is normal here. Also, you should know that flavour and seasoning are strictly optional when it comes to Dutch food.

3. If you get injured by a bike, then you’re financially liable

You probably didn’t know this, but unlike the UK, where cyclists are basically pariahs on two wheels, in the Netherlands, they have more rights than other road users, including pedestrians.

E-bikes are as common here as fights outside British pubs after closing time. If, while partying in Amsterdam, you’re hit by an e-bike while staggering around high as a kite. You will be personally liable for any damage caused to the bike that hit you. There are many cyclists zooming along the bike lanes here at high speeds, and they don’t give a stroopwafel about pedestrians. With e-bikes costing 2000 euros or more, your weekend might be more expensive than you planned.

The four e-bikes of the Apocalypse

4. The Dutch are very conservative, and the way Brits dress upsets them

The British tradition of dressing up for fun weekend visits to Amsterdam upsets the locals.

5. Don’t go where you’re not wanted

The ultimate reason to stay away is that Amsterdam city council doesn’t want you to visit the city if you’re likely to spend time in coffee shops and the red light district.

You’re the wrong kind of tourist. They seriously want you to stay in the UK. Visit Spain or Berlin. The council is now run by a bunch of middle-class nimbies that want to convert Amsterdam into a sleepy village. The fact that they’ve approved the opening of god knows how many budget hotels and hostels in the city center is irrelevant. They want Amsterdam to be visited by people like themselves. If you’re a working-class British male looking to have a wild time in Amsterdam, it’s no longer the city for you. If, however, your plan is to stay in a four or five-star hotel, eat out at fancy restaurants and visit a museum or two, then, of course, you and your money are welcome to visit. Otherwise, stay home and destroy your own city with your vulgar behaviour.

No budget hotel tourists were hurt during the writing of this post.

We all know that Dutch women are a force to be recognised with. Here’s more proof of this. On Tuesday evening, like most Dutch people over the age of forty, a couple in Den Haag was watching the popular Dutch crime show Opsoring Verzocht. If you’ve never watched it, then you really haven’t integrated well into Dutch society. Like the app Buienradar, it’s just one of those things like sending Tikkies for less than a Euro and wearing ripped jeans in winter that’s part of everyday Dutch culture.

Opsoring Verzocht broadcasted a security video from an armed robbery of a Jewellery store in the Hague. A Dutch woman recognised her husband from the video. Faced with the choice of being at home with an angry Dutch woman or being arrested and facing time in prison, he chose the latter. A sensible choice.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, don’t mess with the leopard print warrior Dutch women. It’s really not worth it.

No armed robbers were hurt during the writing of this post.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Politie Basisteam Scheveningen (@politie_scheveningen)

Dear Dutch people,

Yes, this message is from a kut job stealing, house and rental price raising expat. Like many residents in and outside the Netherlands, I was shocked by Geert Wilder’s party winning the most seats in the general election. You see, in spite of some evidence to the contrary, I truly believed that I was living in a progressive country.

In fact, over the years, things that I thought would never change, for example, the blackface version of kinder vriend Zwarte Piet. I remember when the first black activists demonstrated against Zwarte Piet and how they were demonised by most of Dutch society and victimised by the police. Yet, in most of the Netherlands, the blackface stereotypical Piet is already a thing of the past.

The Netherlands shift to the far-right

I’m well aware that a lot of Dutch people are world leaders in denying the existence of racism. Even when caught making blatantly racist statements or discriminating, the usual response here is, “dat was niet de bedoeling”. (It wasn’t meant that way).

Another common thing is blatant gaslighting. For example, meet Jan. Jan is hoogopgeleid (highly qualified). He lives in Amsterdam Zuid, has a well-paying job, and is happy to spend 5 euros on hot water and milk with some ground coffee beans. He speaks perfect English and spends lots of time in the USA on business.

Jan is at a trendy coffee bar in Amsterdam Zuid with some people who look just like him, right down to the excessive use of hair gel, the blue suit (from Suit Supply) and brown shoes from vanHaren. While engaged in conversation with friends, he happens to mention that his new next-door neighbour is a ‘pikzwart neger’. His friends suddenly look nervously over his shoulder. He turns around, and behind him is a black person. The black gentleman proceeds to tell Jan to ‘doe normaal’ and to stop making offensive comments. Jan replies. “How dare you be offended? This is Holland. We believe in freedom of speech here. I AM OFFENDED that you find my comment offensive.!”

The Dutch (many of them, not all of them), in my experience, truly believe that they can NEVER be racist. Racism is an Eastern European and American thing. It’s precisely this belief that nationality and DNA determine who can be racist, not actions, that has led to so many of you voting for Geert Wilders.

I mean, just look at some of the things he stands for:

• He is a man who has called for a ban on Mosques.
• A ban on the Koran.
• He wants to leave the EU.
• He wants less Moroccans in the Netherlands.
• He wants to ban dual nationalities.
• He wants to close Islamic and Jewish schools
• He would like to tax Muslim women 1000 euros a year if they wear headscarves

But in the eyes of many of his voters, that doesn’t mean he and his party are racist. Neeeeeeee!

Oh, and according to today’s De Volkskrant newspaper, some Turkish people also voted for Geert Wilders. So there you go. I mean, if Turkish people voted for him, then all of his anti-Islamic sentiment is just fine!

The good thing about the PVV being the largest party in the Netherlands is:

That we foreigners and descendants of immigrants will no longer have to listen to the nonsense about how super tolerant the Netherlands is. In fact, most of the world is in shock at the result. Foreigners think of the Netherlands as Amsterdam with its red light district, coffee shops and multiculturalism. The election results will make people realise that perhaps this country isn’t as cool as they thought it was.

The other good thing is that Geert Wilder’s proposed policies are extreme, largely illegal, and contrary to the Dutch constitution. Any coalition government is bound to collapse within a year or less. Hopefully, dear Dutch people, you’ll move back to the center of the political mainstream and realise what a disaster voting for such an individual was for both your country and its reputation.

No far-right extremists were hurt during the writing of this post.

Sinterklaas Pakjes Avond is coming

To all the expats with Dutch partners at this time of year, I feel your pain. Pakjes Avond is coming, which means that in the next couple of days, you WILL be getting together with your Dutch partner’s family to celebrate the Sinterklaas season. What an absolute joy that will be.

The bloody poems!

A gezellig time will be had by everyone, and yes, you WILL enjoy it, you kut buitenlander. (Foreigner). If you’re new to this, here’s what to expect. By now you would already have been given a list of which members of the family you’re expected to buy presents for and how much you’re supposed to spend on them.

The dreaded family WhatsApp app group will be used to request presents. So, for example, OMA (grandma) might say, “I’ll have the Rabbit butterfly vibrator, Zwart alstublieft”.

Then, the dreaded day will come when the entire family will get together. What’s really important is that you’re expected to write a bloody poem for the person you buy a present for. The concept behind the poem is that it should be mildly amusing and written as if it is from Sinterklaas. This is actually a good thing, as if anyone is offended by the poem, you put the blame on the old white guy with the bishop’s hat. Leuk!

So, let your creativity run wild. Here are some examples of poems you can use in 2023. I did write a post about this way back in 2014 when the Zwarte Piets were still black, and the Dutch folks were denying it had anything to do with race. Oh, I miss those days. 😉

Modern Sinterklaas poems 2023 by Sinterklaas for the family

For your partners sister

Esme, meid! What a year 2023 has been for you. You hate your job and don’t know what to do. You’ve spent thousands of euros on career coaching. But a solution is in no way approaching. So I asked the head Piet, who, when it comes to giving advice, has uncanny powers. That’s not bad for a man whose contract is zero hours.

He said, “The problem with Esme, as much as I hate to be the one to say, is that she hates people! Even if she was the last person on a call on Zoom, she could start an argument in an empty room.” We love you, Esme, for the way you are, and with your personality, the best job for you is to go and work in HR.

For your partners father

2023 was the year when you experienced your greatest fear. Your youngest daughter, my dear Sander, is in a relationship with a buitenlander. Not that you have a problem with foreigners from the UK. If asked about it, you would say, “When I first met him, I was echt geschrokken. But I was happy that at least he wasn’t Moroccan.

You are open and tolerant, as all can see, which is why in the election, you voted for the PVV.

For your partners mother

Ingrid, je bent echt een kutwijf!

Sinterklaas

For your partners grandmother

Gerrie. Always careful and never merry. So busy, so intense and as always you don’t put up with any nonsense. Sadly as Sinterklaas, I must say that even by Dutch standards, when it comes to saving money, you make Scrooge McDuck look generous

You are just so miserly and mean. Every single cent possible, you save. Some say that your refusal to ever turn on the central heating sent your man to an early grave. With your neighbour Jan, you had a quickie. He was shocked when you sent him a Tikkie.

All that saving has made you bitter and thin. And the Sint knows the present you were supposed to buy for your daughter you found in a bin. Fijne Sinterklaas Gerrie. Let’s hope it’s your last.

Feel free to copy and paste the poems above and adjust the names as required.

No people working on zero-hours contracts were hurt during the writing of this post.